My Pokemon Crappypasta
by Galefire
Summary: In which our loveable protagonist buys a cartridge that just MIGHT be hacked, we're constantly reminded that blood is red, and Falkner is apparently evil. Yay? Rated T for HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD.


It was a normal, sunny night when I decided that I wanted a new copy of Pokemon Crystal version.

Now, as you might assume (or not because I doubt any if you actually care), I was a huge Pokemon fan. In fact, I'd go even as far to say that I was Pokemon's NUMBER ONE FAN! OMG POKEMON ARRGHH-

Actually, scratch that. There that random girl person who exists and stuff, I can't remember her name and I'm too fucking lazy to pull up google right now, and she is most definitely Pokemon's number one fan.

Seriously, that shit is creepy.

But anyways, I had once had my own brother's copy of the game, but it had gone missing due to MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. HOLY SH-

So, I went to my local gamestore. It didn't have a name, it was just... gamestore, and decided to ask if they had the game. However, when I did so the dude at the register gave me a weird look and said "Are you fucking insane bitch?! GTFO of my store!"

So, after phoning in to complain under nine different numbers and suing them a couple times, I moved on... TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD GAMESTOP.

I knew, deep down inside, that this was the place, where I could finally find the game that I had sought out so desperately, I knew that it must-

Yeah, they didn't have the game either.

BUT, they did have a copy of Leaf Green, for only DOUBLE THE FUCKING PRICE I PAID FOR A BRAND NEW COPY OF SKYWARD SWORD, so that was pretty hip. I ended up catching a shiny Sandshrew too, named him Lucky, 'cause y'know... Luck. He's so cute! I just love the way he sparkles when I send him out and...

*Ahem* Where was I? Oh right. The story.

Fucking great.

Alas, I was at my wits end. Two whole locations and no game! I didn't know what to do, until I realized...

Tomorrow was Christmas.

I have absolutely no idea how I forgot that, but oh well. That's not important.

So yeah, I asked my Grandparents for it and shit, and, to my surprise, the actually came through. Maybe old people are actually good for something...

*Snort*

Truth be told, I was super excited. I didn't play the game until a month later, but I was super excited.

I was also a fan of Pokemon.

When I finally got around to playing the game, I was still super excited. I choose Chikorita as my starter, because it's a fucking leafy dinosaur, who the hell wouldn't pick it?! And, after the gruelling task of training it to level six, I decided to save and turn off.

... Only to find out the game couldn't save anymore, so I was like fuck.

However, instead of just downloading a rom or something like any sane person would do, I decided to just play through without turning the game off.

It would all work out in the end, as all I had to do was leave it charging and play whenever the hell I wanted too. Hell, I could just blame the sudden spike in our electricity bills on one of my brothers. Fuck yeah!

But... I would forever wish that I didn't do that... Because what happened next was the SCARIEST THING OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

Except for finding out that Pixar was making a Cars 2... Eww...

*Cough* Oh right, you must excuse my coughing, I was cleaning out my toes last night and my throat is full of lint at the moment.

Uh, anywho, I loaded up the start menu excitedly. Because I was excited.

SUPER excited.

However, I noticed something was... Off. Suicune was black, and covered in HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD! The background had darkened as well, and I could just make out evil, glowing red eyes in the background.

Red, like BLOOD!

However, I immidiatly assumed this was JUST A GLITCH, because that's TOTALLY FUCKING POSSIBLE, and clicked A.

That's when things got weird. Naturally, I choose to play as the boy character, because c'mon, who the hell plays as a GIRL?! (Also I have a major hard on for Gold).

...

( That was fucking disgusting, why did I write that?)

After selecting my gender, that was not actually my gender, the game moved on to a black screen. Except... It wasn't a black screen. Because... It was covered with... HYPER REALI-

Professor Oak's face.

A textbox appeared, full of text. Very scary text.

"Professor Oak: Hello I am a murderer I will kill your children teehee okay bye" It read.

I. FUCKING. SCREAMED.

Quietly screamed, mind you. Because mommy and daddy were sleeping, and I didn't want to have my dessert taken away for a month.

But I still FUCKING SCREAMED.

I assumed it was a GLITCH.

Moving on, I decided to name myself Gold, because reasons. But professor Oak apparently thought that was a major no-no, because he kept asking me if I wanted to name myself "BLACK DEATH".

My mouth dropped open. Because it was scurry.

Decided to move on, I selected yes.

"Professor Oak: Good- wait what if you don't have children fuck now I'm stuck you stupid peice of sh-"

SUDDENLY, the screen flashed black, and for a split second, the professor turned into... A CORPSE!

It was only a split second, but I'll try to describe it for you guys.

His lower jaw had been torn form his skull, leaving only the glistening flesh beneath, broken peices of bone handing off the bloodly stub. His chest had been slashed open, as well as his lower torso, and all his organs were visible, pulsing and almost real looking. Oak was coated in blood, his usual white lab coat entirely soaked by it. All his flesh was rotten and blacked. And worst of all, his eyes had gone empty, devoid of any pupils... Any irises... Any life...

I assumed it was a GLITCH.

I moved on through the game, and by that I mean I went out of my house.

Apparently that's the game.

It was unfortunate that Lyra wasn't in Crystal, because I was no longer entitled to scream "GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!" at my game anymore, but I digress.

As usual, I went to Professor Elm's lab to choose my starter, when something... Out of the ordinary happened.

...Becayse everything that has happened so far has been very normal.

Instead of three Pokeballs waiting for me at the desk, there was only one. An Eevee. A shiny one, to be exact. Naturally, I was super excited, which is rare for me, and I choose to name it "Mary-Sue."

Afterwards, Professor Elm tells you to go meet Mr. Pokemon, you fight youngster Joey, blah blah blah. Thankfully, nothing scary happened at all! So I was thankful. I wanted to thank the game, that's how thankful I was.

Thankfully.

However (I could make a fucking drinking game out of how many times of written that), when I reached Bellsprout tower, something very unexpected happened.

Just so you know, my shiny Eevee Desu-chan was at full happiness, and was holding a pink bow. I don't think that that was a second gen item, but I don't really give a damn. It was also nighttime, and I was at the top of the tower.

And then, IT happened.

My Eevee fainted under the powerful move of growl. I let out a scream of terror. My character whited out.

However (SERIOUSLY, IS ANYBODY COUNTING THIS SHIT?!) instead of sending me back to the Pokemon centre like it SHOULD HAVE, the evolution screen popped it. My breath caught in my throat. How could this be happening?! It wasn't ready to evolve! I hadn't given it any stones! And what kind of Eevee evolves at nighttime through happiness?!

Being Pokemon's numer second fan, I knew this shit.

And the I got the worst scare of my life. My Mary-Sue... HAD EVOLVED INTO A SLYVEON!

...Did I spell that right? Ah fuck it.

I. FUCKING. SCREAMED.

How had this happened?! This was a third gen game! Slyveon is tenth gen! My mind raced. I thought of turning the game off, but decided not to because I'm a prick.

A sudden realization crossed my mind. The way my Eevee had evolved was identical to that of a theory one of my favourite Youtubers, Dookieshed, had made up!

Naturally, I was a HUGE Dookieshed fan. In fact, I've been following him for YEARS now.

...Which make no sense because he hasn't been on YouTube for even a year yet, but that's not important because we're moving on.

Then it hit me. This game... MIGHT just have the SLIGHTEST CHANCE of POSSIBLY being hacked. MAYBE.

Oh, and the Slyveon was covered in hyper realistic blood. Just so you know.

I knew at that very moment... That there was only one way out of this...

I had to fight the hardest boss in the game...

Falkner.

Every step towards the gym was almost painful. I could see Gold, or BLACK DEATH, growing more and more fearful by the second. How I saw this on a sprite, I have no idea. But go with it, 'Kay?

Finally, after one whole paragraph, I made it to the gym. My heart beat in my chest, which was problably a good thing.

However, something was off. The two gym trainer were now slapped across the rooms walls, surrounded by HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD, with X's drawn over their tiny sprite eyes. At the end of this mess, stood the spawn of demons himself, Falkner.

My eyes narrowed. This meant war.

"Falkner: So you finally made it." The textbox read, once I had clicked on him. "Yes, it is true, I am the king of games. Bow to me, or I will shower you with BLOOD! 666!"

I screamed.

The screen faded to its normal battle sequence. But there was one difference. EVERYTHING WAS... SILENT.

Then I realized I left the volume off, so, problem solved.

Anyways, as the battle begun, the evil gym leader sent out his first Pokemon. A ghost... Named "Ghost".

"OMG! FAKNER IS TEH EVULZ!" I screeched. Yes, I talk in acronyms. I am normal. I coughed, shaking my head. "Crap, got some of that last trollfic stuck in it throat..."

I sent out Slyveon. I selected to use Razor Leaf. However, the game only told me Slyveon was too scared to move. Ghost used curse, 1-Hit K-Oing my only Pokemon.

I was beginning to think this was a hack game.

Slyveon didn't faint though. Instead, it turned to the screen. Instead of it's normal, happy go lucky expression, it looked in pain. It's eyes had gone red, red like BLOOD, and were narrowed in rage, pained rage. It was covered in HYPER REALISTIC BLOOD, and, before I could even react, though even if I did, I'm not sure what that would even accomplish, it faded to black, the words "DEADLY DEATH has DIED" appearing on my screen.

I screamed.

The screen faded to black, then to red (like blood), and finally to Silver.

No, not the colour silver, the rival. His eyes were like black holes, gaping and lifeless, and hyper realistic blood leaked from his mouth and head, instead of hair.

Silver, you really need to get a new fucking product, because I don't think that's helping your dandruff.

Another textbox appeared, this one read "HELP ME." With the options "YES OR NO" below it. Being an asshole, I clicked "NO", mainly because I fucking hated Silver.

I problably should have picked yes, however, because Silver fucking exploded.

Yeah... That was unexpected.

Naturally, I screamed, because I loved Silver so dearly.

I think that game might have been hacked.


End file.
